Emotions and stuff like that

"that's the thing about pain. it demands to be felt."        

One of the biggest lessons I learned from the cancer life, and one of the last I gained, was the importance of feeling your feelings. Being able to recognize what is going on with your emotional self is the first step, but more importantly is to experience whatever it is that is going on in your heart and mind. We've all done the baking soda volcano experiment, you know what happens every time pressure builds. It demands release. Our emotions are no different from this. The more we suppress the more we eventually need to express.

Truthfully, I spent the majority of my fight with my head buried in the sand. I figured, "survive now, process later." I can attribute my successful battling at the beginning of it all to this. I heard much on my "positive attitude" and how impressed everyone was with the way I handled all of it. There were few tears, lots of laughs, and I truly enjoyed the caccoon of love that I was sheltered in. This love worked as a shield for me in the beginning and it kept a lot of the pain away. But the pain eventually needed to be felt. And that's when the trouble started for me and when I grew weaker as well.

I devoted a large portion of the little energy I had to staying strong and positive. I thought that I was doing this for myself, a "fake it till you make it" scenario, but it was revealed to me eventually that it was more of a learned behavior. I noticed that any negativity I expressed was received poorly by others. No one liked to see me cry. No one wanted to hear me complain. I remember sharing how poorly I felt or scared I was and hearing no response in return, which actually felt worse than the frequent "It's ok... It'll be over soon.. This is all temporary.." and plenty of comfortless phrases. Most people physically tensed up. A lot of time we feel like we always have to say something to the person hurting when in reality the pained just want to be heard. I knew nothing anyone said could fix the situation; I didn't expect any words to magically cure me. I just needed to say how terrible I felt or how much something sucked. But everyone loves the brave fighter; it's easier and less scary. The reality is though is that that is not how every minute of fighting cancer goes. I don't always feel brave. I don't always want to smile. And I don't always want to press on.

To help with this I found an outlet or two that was comfortable with the negativity. A person who doesn't freeze up but instead says, "Yeah, that does really suck." Or hears you when you say you don't want to go to chemo anymore. I was fortunate to find an outlet for my negativity with one particular friend. He never tried to fight me on my feelings, and he was someone I didn't feel like I needed to protect so I had no problem telling him how it really was. I spent a lot of energy on protecting my boyfriend at the time, making sure this wasn't "hard" for him. And my parents. I never wanted my parents to hear how I wanted to die; I just wanted them to think I was ok. They had enough to worry about with me already. But this one friend I could be honest with, without fear of causing him pain. He is ex-Air Force, a realist, and always brutally truthful in return. I didn't feel like I could scare him so it wasn't scary to talk to him. We spent many nights walking around, talking about how I felt. I send him tons of texts that would have added weight to most of my friends and family. He either shook my words off easily or released them else where. Regardless he never made me feel crazy or foolish for having the feelings I did. The beauty in that was that whenever I was with him I felt normal. Never dramatic or capable of hurting him. I always felt free to just be myself. When you're going through so much already, not having to put on a show on top of that can be the difference between feeling strong or weak as you fight on. Having a friend like him gave me a sense of safety and some peace with what was going on inside me.

So my advice to you is simple: listen. Understand that when someone comes to you with a problem or whatever you want to call it, they aren't asking for you to solve it. We want to get rid of people's pain. Rarely do we expect someone to fix things for us though. Realistically, we often see that a situation might suck but that's just sometimes the way things go. If your advice or thoughts are asked for by all means give them. But don't be quick to forget the times you just wanted to be heard. And never underestimate the power of knowing someone cares about you and what's going on in your life.

The emotional processing has been a challenge but I appreciate all of the help and support I've received through it. Some days I feel like I'm taking crazy pills. Some days I feel carefree and full of life. Some days I feel like cancer life is all I'll ever know. But every day I feel loved.

Pura vida :)

Jungle boogie

So nicaragua wasn't all stitches and elevating. I pushed my wounds limits and got in the pool, went for walks, and even quick dipped in the ocean. It could have been somewhat of a torturous time but Gwen and I found a little gem called Rancho Santana and suddenly it was paradise perfection. Rancho is a private living community with a little store, horses, tennis courts, a gorgeous pool, and the best restaurant ever, all over looking one of the best breaks in Popoyo. I spent the first day with just one leg and one arm in the water but once I got the ok from a spicy murse, I was fully in that pool. Gwen and I had numerous mojitos, nachos on nachos, and enjoyed fast wifi. Maybe not what I was supposed to be doing there but it was what I did. Tim, Gwen, and I had a spa day at Rancho too, complete with massages, pedicures, and manicures. Tim went bold to the beach the next day with his bright green and orange toes. Overall, Nicaragua was a great places to meet new friends and relax. I didn't get the waves I wanted, but at least I know where to go and have friends to see next time I do.
After almost ten days in Nicaragua, the four of us headed back to Costa Rica. Tim and I got to spend a few days at Casablanca with Gwen and Reese, and Diego of course! Diego lives in Costa Rica and is our go to Tico for all our native needs. He has tons of "Diego-isms" and I'm sort of worried that so many weeks with him has ruined my English a little. "We go horses back riding."
When Gwen and Reese left we spent a couple nights at Pasatiempo. It was a lazy couple days of drinking and figuring out the next move. There was quite a bit of dancing and I don't wanna point any fingers but there might have been a trunk splitting incident when someone was trying to be Chris Brown. Unreal moves. Totally worth it. It was fun to be in Costa Rica during their amazing World Cup run! I really enjoyed the national pride and community that they show cased during this time. We watched the final game way out in the jungle with a local family and I saw the 7 year old girl cry her broken heart out when they fell to Holland. I laughed at this but also found it pretty cool. I get being 7 and crying when YOU lose, but when your country loses? That would have been beyond me at 7. I love the connection they all feel to their land. I should mention it just took a little dancing to get her to stop and the rest of the day we played and painted nails and put flowers in our hair. Not bad day at all.
We have been out in the jungle, the closest "major town" is Hojancha. So far this is my favorite part of the trip. This is where Diego lives along with the family that has become his family. Life here is simple, slow, and the authentic Costa Rica I have been craving this whole time. Diego lives in "casa plastico" aka plastic tarps hung on pieces of wood with a bed and all of his belongings inside. Well almost all of his belongings.. We helped Diego add another to his little collection, a car! Our own Taxi Plastico! Now whenever we return to Costa we have a car and a driver! The car is a real POS but it'll get us where we need to go. So far it have proven to run on prayers too. Every odd noises or empty case tank has been fixed with Diego's prayers for help. It's crazy. I really admire his faith and how much he relies on God. It was pretty inspiring. Now I'm not sure that God is the genie Diego continuously proves him to be, but it was neat to see. And the only thing he does more than ask God for help is thank Him. "Gracias Dios!!!"

popoyo

heyo nicaragua mang. we are currently in popoyo, nicaragua. so far i am on team nica if i had to choose between costa and here. Costa Rica was quite touristy where we were but nicaragua is wide open and beautiful and from what i hear how Costa Rica used to be. the white man hasn't taken over too much of it.. yet. we are staying at magnific rock, which is a restaurant slash hotel slash hostel slash apartments slash huts. we are in a cabin with a bathroom and electricity and big fans. it has been cooler here than in costa too so ac isn't necessary and i even need a sheet over me during the night. it's really windy and when it rains.. ahhh. the surf here is the best known and it's been easy to navigate where to go when with the help of locals. it hasn't been crowded at all. the friends i've made are from all over and some will definitely be a part of my life post nica. i've made a lot of buddies who live in la which will be fun for the future! one of them is a hot shot eyebrow stylist-always a good friend to have :)
we traveled to Popoyo from Tamarindo on my birthday. that was a day of big travel, a Costa Rican futbol triumph over italy, which meant no one else was traveling so it made it easy for us. upon arrival we purchased an obscene amount of nicaraguan rum, made it to popoyo, and got settled into a lazy afternoon. ocean swims happened, then we went to dinner for my birthday and to the hot springs after. sadly this is the second year in a row without birthday cake for me. but i guess it is worth it to be here. maybe... i guess what i'm trying to say is if anyone can have a big ol costco cake (vanilla/yellow) waiting for me upon arrival i'd really appreciate it. jewel is bueno too.
the only snag in my trip so far was being mauled by rocks out in the ocean which landed me in a "hospital". there was a big language barrier but i still had a great time with the medical folks who treated me and got somewhat of a pedicure from one of the assistants. it was a lot of blood and a decent amount of stitches later that is keeping me from the ocean for a week. i am counting down the minutes until i can get back in the water. or walk around for that matter. yes, they did give me antibiotics too so i'm gonna do my best to rest and avoid infection. there is a french man here that we have befriended named Franck who used to be a pro surfer and has quite the first aid kit so I am in good hands. the whole situation did make me a little homesick though and wanting to be comforted. just one of those times when you realize you're an adult now though so i sported my big girl pants and kept my smile on. the real tragedy might be that it ruined my favorite tattoo. fingers crossed.
i wish i had something exciting to say i was needing to head off to, but in reality i am just going to plop down in a hammock, do some writing, and take a nap. it's a good life.

donde esta la biblioteca

hola amigos! coming at a ya live from tamarindo, Costa Rica. i've  been here for two days now and it has been perfect. the best thing about it is not having to leave in a week or two or three or four.. or even 5! i don't know how one can vacation any other way. i hope my new job allows for the breaks that teaching did!
day one was a long one of solo travels which sounded annoying at first, but i ended up really loving every quick minute of it. had a first class row to myself on the plane to San Jose. upon arrival i took a taxi to the bus station, where i ended up having to wait four hours for the next one to tamarindo. i started and finished the fault in our stars (great book and movie peeps, just keep those tissues handy), turned down various offers from men selling things, and tried with all my might to not drink too much because i had read it would be a 6 hour bus ride without bathroom breaks. thankfully not going to the bathroom is one of my talents.
once on the bus i missed the whole assigned seats deal but the hombre whose seat i took was kind enough to just trade since i was all settled in already with the dude next to me. he was a friendly faced man in his 60s and i shared a headphone with him until he fell asleep. the view from the trip was unbelievable and kept me from getting bored. i have never seen so much clean green. i was expecting it to be a lot more like haiti which is beautiful, but quite filthy in parts. there is no garbage to be seen on the streets and hills and leaves for miles. i finally arrived to the hotel at night and had to track down tim to let me in. of course he was already acquainted with the town and found a neat little hostel and bar to wait for me at. i dropped my stuff and we headed back there. the brothers that run it came over from france. there is an upstairs with a bunch of hammocks to sleep in and a large outdoor bar and dancing area downstairs. we hope to spend a couple nights there next week. it is right on the ocean and we found friends with the owners.

yesterday was a day of exploration. i went for a "run" in the morning and got WORKED by the hills here. mornings are quite in tamarindo and i had much of the town to myself. after my run we went exploring, around the town and beaches. we saw a monkey herd up in the trees and a ton of iguanas. the sand is covered with crabs of all kinds and pretty shells and sand dollars. it's crazy to see things that only existed at zoos or in gift shops to me just out in the open every few feet.
the beach was pretty empty and we had big stretches of it to ourselves. i spent some time exploring on my own, and of course the first group of men i meet watching the usa game are from wrigleyville. needless to say, i did not stick around to talk to them for long. i didn't travel all this way to find mutual friends. i had a couple beers by the pool after and then we went out on the town. i had fresh fish tacos for dinner and a watermelon mojito. we hung out at the hammock hostel again with our friends there and took our jungle shortcut home. tamarindo is a beautiful, active town. the people are very friendly and all seem to be on the same schedule.
today i'm going to find two friends from home.  they are in tamarindo for the next two nights and really know the town. it's always nice to  see a familiar face. and just in time for latin night too!! i am a terrible dancer but i'll be dammed if i don't give salsa dancing a go! here's to hoping i left my father's rhythm at home!
hope you all are enjoying your june! pictures to come...

the best thing about today is that it isn't tomorrow or yesterday

Today is a gift. That’s why they call it “the present”.. right? I’m having trouble finding “today”..

The past week has been a change of pace from the work/sleep/work/sleep life. Over the weekend I had a big party to celebrate being done with chemo, my first surgery, and radiation. My family and friends all gathered together. It was a lot of fun and full of some special moments. One of my best friends Brittany came in from New York for the occasion. There were some epic karaoke performances. Timmy just appeared at the bar to surprise me! And I had a chance to thank some of the people I needed to and laughed and let loose with some I haven’t been carefree with in awhile. It was nice to see people again and be social. You don’t realize how much of a treat grabbing a drink with friends is until you can’t do it. 

This week I went to LA to represent FLOWER Beauty (Drew Barrymore’s cosmetic line). I got to meet with the company, see WB studios, get all dolled up by the pros, walk the red carpet at the “Blended” movie premiere, and do a little bit of the after party scene. It was fun to live like someone else for a few days. Andrea came out with me which was a treat because I don’t get to see her often. The sun was shining and perfect every day. My little sisters came to visit me and got to watch me walk the carpet and stay in Hollywood with me. And we all got to enjoy a day of sun, tacos, and just finally being together again. Family is the real gift. And I love mine so much. I spent the day with them and Tim. Needless to say it was an emotional departure. I hate leaving California. A switch in me gets flipped every time I’m there. I gotta stop leaving where my heart is.

One of the biggest things I’m struggling with this stage of treatment is being present. I don’t think I even enjoyed my last hour in Cali because I knew that tomorrow I would’t be there. And all I could think about was how long until I can go back and how long till I’ll see my sisters again. It’s unfortunate when we get wrapped into the future and the past and we can’t focus on the now. The past year has been a year of living in the present. First it was living for mid July when my first round of chemo was done. Then it was living for October 10 when I finished chemo. Then it became November 15 for my surgery. Then December 12th for when I was going to Cali. Then February for when I was starting chemo. Then to April 6th, when I finished radiation and went back to Cali… You get the idea. I was always so goal oriented and focused on getting to the date in front of me. I spent no time in the present, because the present was painful and there were better days ahead. While I credit much of this mentality to why I am alive and why I smiled my way through everything, it created a bad habit. I am constantly catching myself making countdowns in my head till whatever I have coming up in my life. I am muscling through the days to get to the ones ahead. They are my motivation to keep going, but they are also what take me from the moments I am missing. And I am definitely missing some. I try so hard to do 900 things at once so I can keep moving and not sit in whatever is happening. I notice this the most when I don’t do that. When I am with some people I am fully with them. When I am in Cali I am fully with it. And these are the moments where I feel safe and am thankful. I have been using the word “safe” a lot with certain people, feeling a sense of peace and safety when I’m with them. I was having a hard time figuring out why or what causes that, because sometimes it isn’t people I would usually think it would be. Writing this makes me realize so much of the “safety” I feel with a person comes from the ability to be present when I’m with them. It’s a lot to give attention to anything more than what’s happening right in front of you. I am lucky to have people I can “live in the moment” with. It isn’t many but the security they offer is a lot. My mind is calm, my heart is happy, and I feel peace. I cling to these safe moments. 

So that’s where I’m at. Trying to be here. All I can think about is what’s in front of me and getting ready for that. I feel things going around me slipping away and I don’t want to look back and some point wishing I had been aware of what was happening. My time here with some of you is short and I want to make it count. So if you catch me with my head in the clouds, feel free to smack me back down.

a fellow fighter

*****MY DEAREST ARMY***** Remember all those prayers and good vibes y'all are constantly lifting me up in? Let's channel all that love to Lisa Dello. Lisa is a dear friend to my friend Lauren's family and seeking my army's help! Lisa just went to hospice today after battling breast cancer for almost 3 years. They don't believe she has much time. She has two teenage kids. Please keep her and her children and all who love and care for her in your thoughts and prayers. For peace, for comfort, a miracle, love.. wherever your heart leads you. Thank you, love always.

The long road ahead

Is that at odd title for someone who finished treatment for cancer? Hear me out.
At the beginning of April I finished radiation which was the third leg of treatment and have since started hormone therapy which is an "easy" pill a day for the next 5-10 years. This stage is huge in preventing cancer from returning. I can say that this round is much easier in some ways than the other. Radiation was annoying because it required daily trips to the hospital (but I did love the people I spent every day with!!!). Chemo turned my body into this pathetic wasteland and led me to release any and all cares of physical appearance. Surgery took a big part of me and left me with new boobies that support themselves and although I am in love with them, they aren't "mine". So with all of this behind me, why the long road ahead?
Well like most times of trial we face in life it exposes other struggles that I had done did a good job keeping at bay. So many things surfaced and since I have more energy now, I'm trying to confront them and either accept them or change them. For example, I have a really hard time sitting with unhappiness. I have always been a firm believer in being proactive in my own life and if I don't like how something is I should change it. I don't need to be unhappy, so why would I let this happen? The trouble with that is sometimes seeking happiness and positivity is exhausting and can take as big of a toll on you as struggles can. When I have bad days or am in a bad mood, the first thing my mind does is try to flip the situation. "It could be so much worse." "You're not the only one who has gone through struggles so deal with it." "Stop being such a whining weenie, Kayla." I don't sit well with icky feelings and spend energy on fixing them. While this is a healthy practice and has shaped  me into the usually cheerful chica I am, I am learning to be ok with admitting something sucked. I was thinking about radiation the other day and how awful it was at times and tried to tell myself right away that so many others have gone through it even longer or more intense so I have nothing to complain about. I had to take a time out and force myself to be like "Actually no, that really did suck. And that's ok." I'm trying to put so much into the long term coping aspect of cancer but how can I do that if I'm not honest with myself. Knowing that I don't have to say every day was great and I don't always have to fake a smile is a huge relief off my back. It's ok to admit when times are tough. Our struggles are only relative to what we know. We all have bad days. We all bitch. And it's all ok. I never allowed myself to sit with the bad feelings that came over the past year and I'm working on doing that now.
One of my students came in the other day crying and didn't know why. It was like looking in the mirror. My hormones have been crazy while adjusting to this medicine and I have been nauseous to the point of voming quite frequently. I felt her pain and oddly found comfort in it too. Finally a moment that was calling me. I shared with her how I often feel like a fragile little bird, tears fall for no reason and a million reasons all at once and I can't stop them. So I shared what I have started to do to  cope with this. I told her sometimes it really can make you feel crazy experiencing so many emotions so strongly. But she's not crazy, she's brave and smart for expressing them. It would be damaging to hold them in. So we sat on the bathroom floor until she felt like she had cried as much as she needed to. When she was ready to stop, I taught her about endorphins and doing something good for herself. I usually go for a long walk when these moments of strong emotion hit me. So outside we went, screaming on the swings, wiggling around the field, shaking our booties at traffic, and dancing back to the doors. Must shake it all out of the system. And then, a deep breath. A big smile. And back to your day. She returned happy and ready to rock. So many times this is how I get on with whatever I have to. But the most important part here again is the letting myself experience whatever emotion I need to. I am learning to be more ok with sitting with the negative. I'm human. I went through something challenging. It sucked. That's ok. I'm ok.
This week was my first week of working that I made it through without crying. Less frequently I am feeling overwhelmed to the point of bursting. My doctor has credited much of my bad reactions to hormone therapy to doing too much and not allowing myself time to rest and heal. Hearing that was the permission I needed to cut myself some slack during the day. I want to ditch the job of taking care of myself first but when you're throwing up on your Hawks jersey that you can't throw into the wash because Coach Q and Sharpie signed it, you realize you need to reorganize your priorities a bit.
I have also been meeting with the lovely folks at Kellogg to see how I can use my story to improve the lives of fighters after me. My time there might be short but I want to be of use to that lovely place while I still can. It's like my dad always says, "Always leave a place better than when you got there." Kellogg changed my life, the lives of my friends and family, and so many others for the better. When I go there I feel at home and an caccooned in love. So it does seem like a long road ahead. A long road of helping and healing. And it's one that I am stoked to be on. Getting myself to a place where I can make a positive impact in the lives of others. Feel free to keep me accountable. This didn't happen for nothing and I am eager to use my experiences for the benefit of others.
I have been getting back into the social routine too which helps everything. "I get by with a little help from my friends." I have always been a lazy toad by nature but weekly trips for dollar beers and sleepovers (even on school nights sometimes!) with friends is good therapy. I missed being stupid and funny and careless. When I think about how much time I spent having to plan all my actions and everything, it feels good to skate the city at night and eat McMuffins for breakfast again. Thankfully my friends don't mind if I fall asleep while hanging out too. They know I'm trying my best :)

What a change the weather has brought. The magic of the sun is something everyone is benefitting from and it has been fun to see everyone outside playing and enjoying. Here's to hoping it stays!!
Thank you for all of the love that I am still receiving. Thank you for being patient with me while I figure my changed self out. Thank you, thank you!

Love  conquers all <3

Hope your weekend is ..