love wins!

All I wanna do is jump to present day in my journey but I'm gonna try to resist and start where I left off last.
So I survived my double mastectomy and the removal of 20 of my lymph nodes. I went into surgery Friday morning and came out fine and dandy. In the recovery room I was greeted by my father first. Apparently upon seeing him I started crying. First, I cried because I thought I didn't have boobs anymore. Once he reassured me I did, the tears started again. This time it was out of fear that my mom was going to make me start working out again now that I was out of the OR. Again, Daddo calmed me down. From then on I was just thankful to see him and see my mom once she came in and was so happy to be alive. Friday evening I was greeted by lots of friends and family, none of which I remember. I cried and reached for the hand of whoever walked into the room and was overcome with happiness. I couldn't tell everyone I loved them enough. Again, I remember  none of this. So I'm pretty happy to hear that when I am drugged out of my mind, all I wanted to do is tell everyone how thankful I am for them and how much I love them. I've heard WAY different stories from others post anesthesia.
Saturday morning my doctor noticed a hematoma in my right breast and I was brought back into surgery. What was supposed to be just a quick 30 minute procedure turned into a 2 hour ordeal of my doctor searching for where I was bleeding from. The spot was found, the bleeding stopped, and I once again in the recovery room sobbing away telling everyone how much I loved them. I am so thankful to be alive no matter what my state of mind!
The rest of my time in the hospital was spent constantly pressing my pain pump, having tons of people filtering in and out of my room, and saying ridiculous to anyone who'd listen. I was convinced that "Jess from New Girl" was my nurse and got really defensive with my guests when they tried to tell me my friend Kyle wasn't another one of my nurses. I insisted that he was my nurse and he did an outstanding job and deserved a huge thank you present. I also questioned everyone around about who had brought the movie "Baby Geniuses" for me (nobody). There were numerous times that I confessed my love for my catheter and wished to keep it in forever. Drugs are weird..
So for someone who was so worried about having to stay in the hospital, I remember none of it. Wasn't traumatic at all!
Monday night I was out of the hospital and home at my parents house. My sister drove us all from the hospital to Lockport. The drive was painful. My lovely father had a hospital bed set up for me in my basement cave and I enjoyed my last night with Brittany. Brittany is my best friend who was in town for my surgery from NYC. She took care of my parents for me and ate a ton of candy. Apparently it was actually pretty disgusting what my mom and Brit put away during the long weekend. It's amazing neither of them have cavities. I'm mostly just sad to not partake in the treat feast.
Since I've been home I've been watching a little tv, welcoming guests (LOVE VISITORS, THANK YOU FOR COMING OUT HERE), farting around the internet, and taking naps. I am up to two laps around the culdesac now and even did a little stair work out (walked up them 5 times, count it!). Online Christmas shopping has helped me kill time and I definitely have an appetite again. Kayla is coming back!
Today I received the best news of all. We trekked up to Evanston for my first post op appointment where I was told that I AM 100% CANCER FREE!!! All my labs came back clear, no more tumors remaining in any of the tissue they removed. I DON'T HAVE CANCER ANYMORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
If I could raise my arms I'd throw them up and wave them around while I happy dance!! NO MORE CANCER!!!!!!!!!!!!
So what does that mean? It means the treatment plan worked. The best possible outcome happened. I received the best care possible through the best plan possible from the best team possible. My treatment plan will continue..as planned. I'll start radiation in the new year and then hormone therapy after that. Basically, everything is going exactly as they hoped!!!
YOU GUYS WE DID IT!!!! WE BEAT CANCER!!!!!!
I couldn't have done it without you guys. WE DID IT!!!!
I am beside myself. I don't know what to do. I am overwhelmed with happiness and relief and joy. I am so blessed and thankful. I could have eaten 12 celebratory weiners today instead of the half of one I had. YOU GUYS!!! WOOO!!!! WE DID IT!!!
It has been a long, exhausted, amazing, crazy 7 months. But it's all been worth it. Every awful moment had a purpose. Every bit of help you gave was worth it. It was all worth it.
Isn't it amazing what love can do?
LOVE CONQUERS ALL

Last night in the hospital

I'm making the transition from the pain pump to pain pills, prepping to go home tomorrow. My friend Christina stayed over night with me Saturday, and I'll have another buddy with me tonight. Sleeping through the night has been much easier with the help of some Ambien, but the pain still makes an appearance in the mornings.

The nurses are all so impressed with the pictures, posters, flowers, balloons and gifts that decorate the room. Thank you so much to everyone that stopped by to wish me well. I couldn't have itched my face or put my slippers on without you.

-Interim Kayla

Pre-op Part II

Looking much better this morning and was able to get up and walk around a bit. Though I had much more work done on my left side, my right was bothering me a lot since yesterday. This morning my doctor suggested we go back into surgery to take care of a hematoma that developed on the right side. It should be a quick, 30-minute surgery that I'll be going in for at 3:30. I'll have another post-op post later this afternoon!

-  Kayla 2.0

POST OP!

I'm out of surgery and all I want to do is tell everyone how much I love them (and ask what time it is...repeatedly). I was curious what I would do in my loopy state after graduating from the recovery room, but thankfully it hasn't been anything embarrassing yet. (Much to the dismay of Brittany, who can't stop bragging about the Chicago hot dog she had for lunch.)

There are posters from all my kids and friends hung in my room and I've got my Hawks blanket keeping me warm.  (A little too warm, after all the body heat being generated from the friends and family who hung out at Evanston Hospital for the day.)  The doctors are very happy with how smoothly the surgery went, though I can definitely feel the pain in my left side. It looks as if I'll be camped out at Evanston Hospital until Monday, and though I might be in and out of sleep, I'll always welcome anyone who'd like to visit.  The hospital number to call is 847-570-2350 and my patient number to reference is 5752. Also feel free to get in touch with my parents or Brittany (732-299-7751) for updates and information.

Love,

Interim Kayla

Alright, that was my best Kayla impression for the moment. Since you've all been getting her perspective the past couple of months, I want to share how the day went from people who were actually conscious for it. Last night a bunch of us spent the night in a hotel with Kayla and helped her eat way too much junk food for her last meal before surgery. There were some heroic efforts on plates of whipped cream, and a family-sized bag of chips was hardly enough to feed our family.

An early-morning wakeup call roused us all from the beds we cuddled in, and we made our way to the hospital decked out in Hawks gear. We were the largest group there on a Friday morning and had to take turns rotating in Kayla's room. Sam Ciochon brought lots of laughs to wake our groggy eyes, and more visitors trickled in to give their love before Kayla went under.

We took over plenty of chairs in the waiting room with all of our belongings, while others from the community would stop by to drop off care packages of food for us (as if we needed any more). For some of us it was time to catch up, and others time to get to know each other. The hours went quickly and both doctors came back with smiles on their faces, bearing great news that surgery went as smoothly as possible. 

Back in the recovery room Kayla couldn't stop telling everyone how much love she had for us, and was so delighted at the simplest thing - us being around.  (No matter how annoying we may have all been with our loud cell phone conversations and interruptions while the doctors tried to help her.) It may have just been the drugs speaking, but we'll take the compliments without complaint.

I have no doubts everyone will keep up the passion and excitement for supporting Kayla through her recovery. The quality of people in Kayla's life is miraculous and she is so deserving - and I know she is grateful - to have them around and receive all their love. Thanks for keeping my best friend happy and cool during such a difficult time in her life. 

Love,

Brittany (and Debbie)

Pre op!

Howdy! You won't hear much from me for awhile so I wanted to keep you up on a few things. You can always check my blog for updates, I'll have some guest writers on there. Also I'll have updates posted to Facebook from friends so keep an eye out for those. You can contact my parents tomredig@sbcglobal.net for more news too. Feel free to blow up my phone and fb with fun love to return to.
My surgery is at 7am Friday at Evanston Hospital. Should be under 6 hours. I'm hoping to be out by Monday. I would love visitors, but sorry if I'm passed out or not a lot of fun if you do swing by! We'll have a place to leave notes and the Polaroid cam up and running again :)
Once I'm out of the hospital I'll be staying with my parents in Lockport while I recover. Again, come on by! We'd love to have you. It's far but don't leave me lonely, please :) Address to come..
Everyone has been asking about my plastic surgery and what cup size I'm going with. You should all know by know that the only cup size for me is Stanley!!!
So Friday rep some hawks wear! We'll be heading into the OR in ours! (is that allowed?)
One goal, people! One goal.

Much love!

Well I have been enjoying myself and then some in this last week before surgery. I had a WHOLE week without any doctors appointments. 7 DAYS WITHOUT AN APPOINTMENT… amazing. You all know how much I adore Evanston Hospital but still, it was nice to forget about that part of my life for a little bit. I went down to Ft Lauderdale for a few days and enjoyed the sunshine and ocean. I spent hours lounging in the pool and laughing my face off with Lisa and Wendy. I came home with darker skin and lighter hair so I was quite happy. The only little bump in my favorite vacation to date was getting called "sir" at Panera. Womp womp… But seriously, delicious margs, nonstop fish tacos, and constant sunshine.. I was the happiest girl in the world. Why do vacations have to end?

Thankfully I had a week of fun waiting for me back home. I had some pre op appointments and got everything I needed for surgery all together. On Wednesday night I went to a Hawks game with Paul, thanks to a Baker family, and we had excellent seats that sat me also close to Patrick Sharp as I'm allowed. My buddy Tommy Hawk came by and sat with us for a little which made for a great picture to send to my students who love him. 5B adores Tommy Hawks because he makes big messes, gave out tons of goodies, and got them out of math. What more could a kid want? I ran into some friends I haven't seen in a long time at the game along with my favorite Conklin kids. I love Brittney and Scott. They are the ultimate sibling duo and two of the best friends anyone could ever ask for. It was awesome to see a Jet get slammed through the glass but it was even cooler seeing Brit waving away behind Sharpie on a jumbotron interview! That basically means they're in love, right?

After the game we went to the Fratelli's concert at the Metro. Conklins spoil me. It was the perfect way to wrap up a Hawks victory, seeing the band that sings "Chelsea Dagger" play it live. We were the happiest kids in the world. Another plus was running into Andy at the concert- great to see you again!! Thanks for the song shout out too!

My good friend Tim came into town on Thursday from California and has been here since. It means a lot to have him around, he's one of those fools that keeps me laughing and forgetting anything else but what's going on right then. Laughing is everything now. Plus he's just a really great dude. I'm lucky to have him here. 

On Friday I had a going away party for my boobs downtown. Around fifty of my friends came to send them off. I was totally blown away by the turn out. Thank you all for coming, I had such a blast and I hope you all did too. We started out on a sun deck near the Hancock and then moved on to Barn and Company (thanks for the party Barn and Co!!) Both were awesome. Lots of dancing and fun. And pizza. I think I ate a whole pizza that night… oops?? (maybe that's why my tummy is all jacked up still) My cousin Cobi came and it was so fun to hang out with him. My sister and brother-n-law were there also, just always great to have family around. The best part of it all was how the most people anyone knew when they walked in the door was maybe 4 people but after no time at all you would have thought they were all long time friends. I had a perfect night and was blessed with the best company. Everyone that came means the world to me for all kinds of reasons. So thanks again guys, I was so touched to see that turnout. 

Saturday we went to brunch on the river and then were lazy turds on the couch. That night we went to Pretty Lights. It was my first electronic concert and probably my last. All of my friends love that stuff so I'm happy I finally went but it was totally not my thing. Too loud, too high pitched, and too visual. So I sat in the hallway of the venue, made a new friend, and spent some time with Dan for the first time in awhile. It was great catching up with him and really decent of him to skip the show so I had company. Thanks dude!

On Sunday my school had a zumba party for me and to raise money for our hospital. Zumba is not exactly my specialty but it was great to see all the teachers working out together and having fun doing it. Stacy killed it up there teaching routines and my roommate Allie was awesome to watch teach too. I have no idea how those ladies move the way they do. Thanks for zero rhythm, Dad…

Since the zumba party I have just been up in Racine being spoiled by the O'neils. Tim and I have been fed to filling point meal after meal and have lounged it off. Nothing better than sitting in the hot tub with the lake crashing behind you. Wisconsin is so soothing. What a great state. And family. The O'neils have a way of making you feel so loved and special. There aren't many families as lovely as they are. I haven't even minded the awful snow coming down outside because I have been watching it through a window while I sit next to a fire. Happy, happy Kayla.

Lazy is a great way to describe the next few days. I plan on resting, seeing friends, and just getting my head ready for surgery. Phase two of treatment is finally here and I'm looking forward to getting through the next step. Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers for good spirits and healing.

Hope you all are enjoying yourself, expect to hear from me one more time before I'm cut up.

Love you all!

What the hey have I been doing

Hello everyone! Oops on the updating again. So here comes the past month in one entry..

So we wrapped up themo! We had an 80s themo that my dad nailed. It was fun to have hair again and it was great to see the receptionists at the hospital with teased hair and tons of eyeshadow. I loved seeing hospital staff decked out in themo wear every Thursday. Evanston hospital is as supportive and loving as it gets!

The next theme was Prom Night. All of my fellow teachers were dressed to impress and my dad went all out to get us a stretch limo so we could arrive in style. I had planned on one of my friends being my prom date but once again Evanston Hospital and the hockey gods had bigger plans for me. For the second time this year, I ran into Lord Stanley!! So for prom night I got Lord Stanley in bed with me. And you know what.. my dad was totally fine with it!! The whole day felt like a dream.. from my incredible dress to my date. Themo started out as a little idea  so I wouldn't hate treatment and has expanded beyond anything I could ever imagine.

For my very last treatment we had to go all out. How could I possibly do that after Prom? I couldn't.. But my friends could!! I had my Anna fly in from Conneticut, my sister and brother-in-law come, BOTH parents, Aunt Jeanie, Sam, Sam, Christina, Suzanna, Joe, Honey, Patrick, Aunt Jen.... I could go on and on but you get it. Everyone who has been smothering me with love for the past few months was by my side for my final treatment. We sort of went over the 4 people in a room at a time rule.

My final theme was "My favorite things" so everyone was decked out in Hawks apparel. When I say everyone I mean EVERYONE. My entire school was head to toe(ws) in red. During a math lesson TommyHawk busted into my classroom and it was a party from then on!! Reporters came to capture the event, WGN filmed it, and the Blackhawks showed their love again! I was paraded out and escorted to the hospital by the entire school. Upon arriving we had the pleasure of passing out thank you presents to all the wonderful staff at EH and goodie bags to patients having treatment at the same time as me. It was really important to me to make sure I said thank you to everyone and also encouraged those around me. I truly could not have gone through this experience without the Evanston Hospital community and all my friends and family. Not only did I get through chemo but I did it with a smile on my face and I have all of you to thank for that. It wasn't just a struggle, it was a fight for my life!! Getting my through this means more than you will ever know!! A "thank you" cannot begin to cover how I feel towards all of you.

You can see the joy I felt in these pictures. I have never been one to hide my emotions, my face shows it all. I have been the happiest, luckiest girl through these experiences. It's been hard but it's been fun! And days like these have made it all worth it. It's a special experience getting to see how much people love you. Most never know that till they're gone. But I haven't had a single day go by without at least one person letting me know how much I love them. I wouldn't trade  every awful, sick day, every mental breakdown day, every "how the heck am I going to do this?" moment for anything in the world because of the love I have received. The farther down I fell, the higher I was lifted up. It's a powerful thing knowing you're never alone.

After chemo finished I made my way out to California for some much needed sunshine and ocean air. Newport Beach will always be the place where my heart finds great happiness. It was so nice to feel like Kayla again. I thought everything would be smooth sailing once chemo was over and it has sort of been the opposite. My body aches in ways that it never did during my worst 200m fly even. I have gone to such dark places in my head, something I never thought I was capable of. California helped me crawl out of the storm. Making rest a priority too has been huge. I have finally given up teaching every day, something that was hard to do but much needed. I can't keep rolling along like I was before. It really caught up to me and it's time that I gave into the tired so I can come out of it. I've had some pretty lazy days recently. Lots of prison shows and 90s movies. One day I only got out of bed to use the bathroom. This routine is one that I'm usually not ok with but I'm learning to be. Mostly because of how much better I feel doing it. My body needs time to recover and so does my mind. My head is very, very tired. So that's my main agenda now. Resting up and getting strong for surgery.

Among the rest I have been trying to spoil myself with relaxing activities along with fun ones! Over the weekend of the best friends anyone could ever wish for got married. Andrea and Wyatt tied the knot on Saturday. You would have though she had been married a hundred times before when you consider how perfect the wedding was. The DJ played great music, the ceremony was one I keep replaying in my head-perfect, and the bride was stunning. I have literally never laid eyes on anything so beautiful. The dress.. the hair... the lady.. wow. That will be a hard one to top. It was great to see old friends and teammates and to feel like a normal 25 year old for the night. Big shout out to the best date ever too(sorry Sam)!! I would wish that I could replay last weekend again and again but I definitely don't have the energy for it haha. I have had a few days in bed to follow that fun to recover. The only negative from it was my neuropathy paired with wearing heels for hours have sort of destroyed my feet. I am without much feeling in the fronts of them and I have a couple toes with nothing happening. Walking has become very... interesting. But even this has a positive.. prescribed foot massages :) Things are never all bad!

So what now.. My surgery is at 7:30 on the morning of November 15th. I'll be in the hospital till the following Monday probably and then to my parents house to recover for at least 4 weeks. If you're interested in stopping by the hospital or their house, let me know! I would really appreciate visitors to both, sitting around for a month sounds boring! Please feel free to suggest books/movies/tv shows.. anything to pass the time. I sucked netflix dry of all things related to prison so I need entertainment. Breaking Bad is definitely already on this list. Until then I plan on squeaking in another trip to see the ocean, catch a concert or two, have a farewell party for my girls, and just enjoy being active while I still can. Lots of snoozing between all of this fun of course!!

Expect another update soon! Hope you all are doing well and staying warm!!

ps. I can now apply fake eyelashes to myself!! WOO! This is a huge accomplishment when you consider I just learned about eyeliner a couple  months ago :)

Updates

I thought I'd take a break in my 100 list to update on everything else. So I am down to just three chemo secessions. This is AWESOME. When I had 5 left they started to drag so I came up with "themo" instead of chemo. The idea was that everyone who came to chemo had to dress up in the theme for that week. Because I have the coolest friends and army, it has spread beyond my visitors. Teachers at my school get dressed up, the kids get dressed up, friends spread all over the country send me pictures of them in theme, my dad even got strangers at the airport to sport facial hair for me on mustache bash day! It seems like such a goofy thing but it has made me excited for chemo every week. I am so excited to see how everyone will be dressed. My social worker and some hospital staff have gotten involved even. Theme one was superheroes, two was mustache bash, and three will be 80s night if you're wondering what to wear this coming Thursday. I personally cannot wait to see Dana in a leotard.

I meet with my surgeon again this week to talk surgery details. We are still all set for Nov 15. My hospital bag has been packed for weeks and I already have my hospital sleepover buddies planned. So yeah... I'm a little anxious for this. Feeling prepared anyway I can helps. What am I gonna do in the hospital for a couple days? What am I gonna do during that long recovery? Thank the Lord for Netflix. I will be decomposing on the couch for a couple weeks. Anyone up for giving me sponge baths??
Overall I'd say that round 2 of chemo is better than round 1. The first 6 treatments were pretty well tolerated physically and just recently have new symptoms shown up. I'm still sleeping very poorly. My feet are numb or in pain from the neuropathy and just this morning I can feel tingles in my fingers. I pray that it doesn't hit my hands like it has my feet. I've had some nose bleeds, the eyebrows are almost gone, and I am done to 21 eyelashes (I counted). Turns out eyelashes do in fact serve a purpose, my eyes are always watering and sensitive now. Nausea has started to come back a little and in general my appetite is pretty nonexistent. I think the most challenging part has been keeping it together mentally. This fight is a long one and it's not something you coast through. Thankfully I've had some meds to help regulate that a bit. I have to give the most credit to my friends and family for keeping me together. Every time I've felt my spirit getting sucked out of me, the wonderful company of someone who loves me has saved me. No giving up here!
My dad and I got to go to the first hawks preseason game. It's always great to start with a win, especially against Detroit!! TR was looking especially sharp that night in his new Hawks jersey. I had been feeling pretty awful since my treatment on Tuesday, so time with my dad really fixed that. I loved seeing so many friends and fellow fans there too! Thanks again, Lauren!
The school year is going well. I'm exhausted but I get naps during lunch and everyone is incredibly supportive to my needs. I am quite spoiled. Time with the kids has been everything. They are wonderful and a joy to spend time with. Kids have a way of making you forget about whatever outside stuff you have going on and just enjoy what you're doing with them. I am so thankful for my loving class and their supportive parents.
I should be cleared to start working out again soon. I am looking forward to getting my heart rate up! My mom is ready to team up with me again and has been crafting a workout plan for me so I am strong and healthy for surgery. I am so blessed to have two of the greatest coaches to ever grace the swimming world as parents and I am excited to get to work under them again. If anyone is looking for some workouts or wants to help this girl get into shape let me know!! Even if that just means tying a donut to the back of your car while I huff and puff after you. Help would be appreciated. And considering how out of shape I am this could also be a great confidence booster for you! Think about it...

I think that about does it for general updates. I have a day of acupuncture, massage, and shopping with my mom and sister ahead of me. I'm excited for a mother daughter slumber party tonight! My parents new house is perfect and is starting to come together. I wish it was the whole fam together this weekend but my dad is out is Arizona for my grandfathers wedding! Welcome to the family Dorothy!!

I hope y'all have a lovely weekend with good company. Love and a million thanks!! :)

Part 2

I went to dinner last night (at trifecta, obviously) with a man I met on an airplane almost 3 years ago. Despite being a fan of a certain Detroit hockey team, he is a beautiful example of just how lovely people really are. The first time I met him we talked with such ease for hours like we were old friends and last night was no different. His fun sense of humor and the spark in his eyes made me forget about everything for awhile and just enjoy good company. Someone who has no reason to be a part of my life but has a kind heart and chooses to be.. It made me think about my ever growing list of people who have made this adventure manageable and even fun at times. I hope I let you all know just how thankful I am for what you're doing and have done for me and my family. For my next 25 reasons why I'm thankful cancer happened I want to focus on people. 25 slots isn't enough to thank everyone but it's a start!

26. Sarah: You have been such a solid support for me from the moment I got the phone call to needing naps at recess. I am so thankful every day that I learn from you. It's quite obvious how you change the lives of so many children every year but it's just as neat to see your impact on your peers and friends. I'm sorry you have to experience the chaos of the appointment schedules and everything else, but your patience and understanding means the world to me. I am so, so lucky to call you a friend. There is not enough chili in the world to repay you but that doesn't mean I can't try! 

27. Suzanna: Another gift that Baker has given me. I don't know what I would do if I didn't have your classroom to walk over to anytime I needed anything. To whine, to laugh, to eat popcorn.. Anything. Knowing you're at work makes showing up on the days I don't want to get out of bed easier. I love that you constantly check in and get me out of the house. I love how involved you want to be in this fight. I love talking to you for hours and helping each other. I love having you as a friend. You have been such a key figure in my army and are a huge part of this upcoming victory!  Now please get me back in the pool ASAP.

28. Brittany: You baboon-faced slob. I love you so much it hurts sometimes. I would fly across the country just to take a sweaty, urine soaked ride on a subway with you. How the heck would I do any of this without you? When you came to visit and I was feeling so darn awful it was great to be around someone who wanted to do a whole bunch of nothing with me. You would make such a good cancer patient, not everyone can take 5 hour naps after getting 12 hours of sleep ya know. I am also so thankful for the joy you bring to my parents, they need to laugh and feel loved through this too and that's exactly what you always give them. You're family. Regardless of how infrequently you shower, you're family and you're gonna be around forever. Thanks for the wigs and the dirty laundry and giving me a time out in the big apple. Thanks for being funny and constant and gross and just getting it.

 

29. Joe: Next to Bieber and my dad, I think you win the award for most appointments attended. I don't think you know how huge that is. There is something so special about the comfort I have knowing that you'll be in the lobby, every Thursday, ready for treatment. Seeing you there every secession is great but knowing you'll be there is even better. This stuff is scary and I don't want to go through any of it alone. Because of you, I know I'll never have to. Also the way you make me laugh and feel normal and aren't afraid to still call me a disgusting human being through this are all things I really appreciate because they keep me feeling Kayla through all of this. You are one of the best, Joe.

30. Kiah: My little cousin that I have always looked up to. Thank you so much for all you did this summer. You filled in for me every day, even when I was there, and just really ran the show whenever you were needed and you always did it with a smile on your face. I am always reminded of how special and rare our family is when I spend time with you. I'm sorry for any tiredness.. Or maybe just plain crabbiness :).. You had to endure. I'm sorry we didn't get to have fun adventures all summer and be attached at the hip. Next summer? I love you, Kiah. Cousins are such special gifts.

31. Nela: Dude. All it took was one night of not going to Bull and Bear and I knew I had to be best friends with you. What I didn't know then and I do now is what that means. Having you as a friend means never being alone no matter how crazy things get. You will only ever be a positive in my life. Thank you for letting me cry to you so many days and for introducing me to my new motto. You are a rare treat Nelagirl and you have made my every day better. Even my happily married father has a crush on you! I am so grateful for the support from your family too. I love having Serbia in my corner! I can't wait to tour Europe with my new boobies and you. Thank you for being there for me every minute of every day. And seriously, Dave sucks.

32. Owen: Getting 45 minutes with you 3 times a week got me to at the very least show up this summer. You can ask anyone in the pool, they all knew how much you coming would make my day.

I miss our recess time together but I'm thankful that it forces us to exist outside of work. I love having your coloring book to work through when I have to shut my brain off. Do you know what a treat it is to be able to turn my brain off until my hand hurts too much? And then continue that mental break with some good old fashioned zombie slaying? Laughing with you is great therapy and shooting stuff will be too. Spending time with you always makes me feel better about everything. Thank you, Owen.

33. Honey: Oh, Honey. I know your fam got a shout out in my last list but I had to give you one of your own. There is just something about being around you that makes everyone feel special. I remember one time you even said something as small as how I parked my car in the right spot and it made me feel really good about myself. Sounds goofy maybe but it's true! I have learned so much about how to live in the short time that I have known you and am excited to continue to learn from you. Honey, you will be an angel in my life forever and a friend for just as long too! You managed to change my life with one big hug and I will always try to impact others the way you have impacted me. You are one cool chick, Honey. Can't wait for Friday!

34. Karrie: Another Baker gift. I don't know what it is but there is something about the comfort and strength I feel from fellow cancer survivors so the fact that I have that a room over from me every day at work is HUGE! There have been so many times that something has been bothering me whether I have the tears to show it or not and walking over to you in the library makes me feel so much better. Sorry for always cutting through the library  :) but I always feel at peace when I leave you. Even if it's just for a quick hello, knowing I have you at school makes me feel "safe". Thank you for all the gifts and support through this, Karrie. You are one of my heroes, I can't wait to survive this and be able to help others just like you have helped me. 

35. Amber: Another strong lady cancer survivor! My very first leader at how the heck to navigate this journey. I was SO blessed to have you to explain everything to me and tell me firsthand what it was going to be like. I really appreciated you coming to my first treatment and always being there for me since. Thank God my dad knew you because so much of that initial fear or freak out never came because of how you prepared me. One day this is all going to be over and I will be a part of the unbelievable survivor club just like you! Thanks for getting me this far already and filling me with confidence to finish it out. I thank God all the time for you and the many blessings you give.

36. Robin: I showed up at your class expecting to get some free makeup and I walked out with so much more! I wasn't expecting to make a friend but I got lucky and found you. Thank you for introducing me to the world of eyeliner and bronzer. Thank you for the gift of eyebrow powder so I don't have to look sicker than I feel. Thanks for making me feel feminine and beautiful even with no hair and about 6 eyelashes left. I'm actually going to need a lesson in how to wear fake eyelashes because I have no clue how to do that. One of my favorite parts to my day is sitting in front of my mirror and adding color and eyebrows to my face. I don't take a lot of time for myself but this one chunk I always set aside to pamper myself. Feeling pretty makes me feel confident and feeling confident keeps me living my life. Robin, you are a fabulous artist and a beautiful lady. Thank you for being a part of my fight and my life.

37. Ry: The only person as sad as me about my boobs going considering they were your favorite thing to nap on. I hope my new ones are comfy enough for you. Thank you for coming out this summer and then letting me invade California. I have never been loved by anyone the way that you love me. It's a kind of love that makes me never feel alone. You are my best friend and there for me every second like no one else is. I miss you being a part of my everyday but it's so precious knowing that no matter the distance, nothing will ever change us. Love you forever.

38. Tim: The people who make me feel completely normal make a world of a difference. I am so thankful to have you around again. You make me laugh. You

make me remember what's important. You make me do dumb things. You make me harass aquatic animals. You have an ability to make me focus 100% on whatever stupid thing we're doing or talking about. Things can get so crazy in my head so the moments I am fully present are big. You've always been a great friend and someone who gets it. I need that. I'm thankful for that. Plus it's nice to know that if I ever wanted to runaway from all of this there's someone who would go with me. To club nowhere. Thanks for being there for me, Tim.

39. Sally: You know what I love about you? Sick or not, you never let me feel like anything short of a million bucks. You never let me think for one second that I deserve anything less than the best. Maybe you're only supposed to be friends with my aunt but Sally you will forever and always be a best friend of mine and a woman to look up to and try to grow up to be like. You are so darn cool and smart and everyone always has fun when they're around you. You're small but have a big presence and I have loved getting to know you over the years. Thank you for always pounding confidence and strength into my head. I always feel fierce after spending time with you! I just wish I lived closer so I always felt like that. I cannot wait to see you next time I'm out west AND at my party when all of this is over! Love you!

40. Christina: A blog shout out doesn't begin to cover the number of thank yous I owe you but you deserve to hear it in every form possible. Thank god we blacked out in a BART station or I would have never had my other half. I know we only yell-talk to each other and are constantly bringing the other up to any poor sucker who will listen, but hey everyone has been obsessed with something before and we just happen to be obsessed with each other. No shame in that. Your unemployment is a gift, without it I wouldn't have had so much fun at my first surgery or had someone to cry my face off with. I even let you hug me. Do you know how big that is? Seriously though, I know we're not in Cali anymore and you're wondering what to do with life but just trust 100% that you are exactly where you're meant to be. Here. With me. None of this could happen without you.

41. Dave: You swam across Lake Michigan to raise money and awareness for cancer. You're either insane or a total badass but regardless I am inspired and touched. Your family has been a large part of my life for so long so I shouldn't even be surprised by all the support you have shown us but I am still blown away by all the love and kindness from you, your beautiful wife, and your 4 outstanding kids. Thank you for making me feel like I can still call Downers Grove home. Thank you for all the hours of training and funding you put in this summer. Thank you for inspiring me to dust off my googles and get back to the one place that takes it all away. My fight is for you too!

 

42. Leigh Ann: Thank you Kyle for finally having an awesome girlfriend for me to be buddies with! Your little packages and CDs always make me smile. You are one of those lovely people that have no reason to go out of their way for me but you do and I am touched. Our snaps and texts always make my day. You are a perfect example of why I am thankful cancer happened. Because now I know you! Thank you for all of the love and gabbing and alway checking in. Kyle is a lucky dude :) Please come to Chicago soon.

43. Jojo: Even though we are far apart you still make me happy. I love seeing your cards and letters and pictures on my wall. I smile everytime I see them. It was great to see you a couple weeks ago and have sometime to play together! I miss seeing you every day and swimming together. When I think of you I remember reasons to be strong. You have an old soul and a loving heart that has always been able to change my bad days to good ones. Thanks for being my friend, Jojo.

44. Sam: Well thank god for you. How did we navigate life before each other? Honestly. At least we didn't waste anytime getting to be best friends once we finally met. You have been there for so many appointments, so many tears, so many smiles, and (hopefully) so many cinnabons. You never make me feel like I'm crazy when I probably am acting like it. You always listen and support. You know when to give advice and when to just let me vent. You let me be a friend to you still, you'd be surprised at how few let me do that! Thank you! It's actually terrifying to imagine this journey without you. I am fighting with you and for ya girl. Love you toooooo much! Can't wait to see you as catwoman on Thursday (don't act like you weren't going to be her).

45. Brooks: Your whole family deserves their own slots so if any of you guys are reading this too know that I love you all and couldn't fight without you! But Brooks.. You have always been someone who I have so much fun with and I'm happy that never changed with this. The best thing for me is all the people who has remained constant and didn't change how they acted with me and you never did. I love spending time with you and your brothers and I love the family I have gained through you guys. When you reached out the other day about bringing themeo to Ohio my heart got all warm and fuzzy. Sometimes I wonder it I'm the only person who is affected by the cancer and I feel like I'm the only person who deals with this every day. You reminded me that that is so far from the truth. It means the world to me that you're still apart of the fight even while you're away and that I'm not forgotten. Get your tights ready because theme one is superheroes! I love ya, Brooks!

46. Aunt Penny: Thank you for all of the daily quotes! I keep them all saved and post my favorites up on my wall. So far my favorite has been "sleep is the body's way of telling everyone to leave you alone." I really appreciate that you take time to send one every day. They're fun to have and it's nice to know I'm being thought of. Love you, hope to see you and Uncle Doug soon!

47. Andrea: Leading my 630 unit! It's funny how my life has lead me to all the activities we used to do in college instead of going out, like watching season after season of the oc and baking. I just wish we still lived together to do it all again with you! Thanks for always checking in and not hesitating to pick up all my slack in our friendship. I promise this is all temporary and I will be back to basement fashion shoots and lzr parties in no time! I love you so much and I am so thankful for all the times you've driven all the way up north for an appointment or met me for nachos. I am so happy the wedding of my life is going to be during my treatment break. Watching you walk down the aisle, wrapped up in beautiful ivory fabrics is going to be one of those mental snapshots I'll keep forever. I'm so honored to be a part of it. Thank you for constantly being one of the best friends I have ever had and will have for many years to come. I'm lucky to have you on my team!

48. Stacy: A badass cancer survivor I am lucky enough to become friends with. Your diagnosis was a huge bummer but I think you have seen some beauty in it and have reminded me to also. I wish we had had joined forces over something else but I'm so thankful we did. I keep your cancer free announcement in my room as inspiration for my own. You have been a rockstar through all of this and are handling your journey with such grace. Thanks for never letting me forget that surviving is the only option!

49.  Patti P: I cannot keep up my thank yous with your constant flow of surprises in the mail but I hope you know how much I appreciate them. Nothing beats knowing that someone is thinking of you.  I have missed your family and I love how often I have seen you guys recently. That makes me thankful all of this happened!

50. Mr. Taco: Anyone who makes tacos for a living automatically has a place in my heart. And when you start giving them to me for free you will stay there forever. Thank you for all of the post treatment tacos, saving my stool, and always giving me something to look forward to on days that I don't look forward to. Your chorizo heals.

Part 1

Cancer kinda sucks. Everything is harder than it was in the beginning and some of it has to do with external stuff but what’s going on inside of me isn’t helping at all. I’ve been caught in this pity party for a few days now and I figured the best way to get out of it was to stop being sad and to start being thankful. Which is harder than you’d think sometimes when your head is all over the place. You know what people with cancer think about all of the time? Cancer. There’s so much more to it than you could ever imagine. So far the only thing curing my body is also destroying it. That takes a toll on the old emotions. But I don’t want to just sit around watching life happening during this chapter of my life and I have to continue to take part in it all. When you’re told you’re suffering from a disease that can kill you and will impact the rest of your life, you sorta realize how short and unpredictable life really is. I’m trying to take in all the lessons that cancer has to offer me. Lessons in growing up, taking care of myself, letting go of the things that hurt me.. One of the big lessons is constantly finding the good in the bad, no matter how much you don’t want to. To be perfectly honest I have no interest in this blog right now, it seems too hard of a task to tackle. But I know it’s going to be good for me. So I’m going to do it in chunks. Consider this part one of four of the top 100 list I never thought I’d make you and you probably never thought you’d read. No matter how small or silly some might seem, I'm thankful for them all.

100 reasons why I’m thankful I was diagnosed with cancer:

1. My already close family became even closer. My parents moved back from Arizona and my sister and brother-in law have been ready with whatever they can to help. I cannot tell you how much it means to have my parents back here. When I think of all of the times I’ve cried in their arms or had someone to sleep next to, I feel so blessed. Feeling cared for is a big source of strength.

2. Meeting and developing a relationship with the Skinner family. They have opened their house and hearts to us and have showered my family with a love that will never be forgotten. Honey is someone who will change your life for the better whether you want her to or not. I have found forever friends at house #11.

3. The new friends I’ve made that are associated with all things Wirtz. I don’t know what it is but there’s something about working there that means you’re also going to be a special person. Such generous and accepting people that I’m just happy to be around whenever I am. Especially those Conklin kids!

4. Seeing the strength and love of so many of my friends and family. The outpour of support has been amazing and it’s really neat to see how good most people truly are. So many have been able to drop anything without hesistation to be there for me and I swear you guys when I am able to again I will do the same for you. You think you know people really well and then something you both counted on changes and you find out who they really are. For the most part, I am blown away by what I’m finding out.

5. Exposure to alternative treatments. I’ve burned special plants in different corners of my house, I’ve been poked with needles that aren’t attached to medicine, I’ve learned about the energy everything on Earth has and how to keep it flowing, I’ve had healing hands on me.. I’ll try anything to beat this. Learning about the different beliefs and cultures associate with all kinds of healing has been really enjoyable. The most important lesson they have taught me though is the art of slowing down. Being slow and present is something I am learning to be comfortable with.

6. Connecting with the Blackhawks. This has been one of the coolest opportunities that having cancer has brought me. I always thought they boys in red were so far out of reach but I’ve had the pleasure of interacting with them enough now for Mr. Patrick Sharp to pick me out of a sea of fans. Patrick Sharp knows I exist now. That made me remember what it was like to be 14 again and have your hunky crush say hi to you in the hallway. My face went bright red I giggled like an idiot. He probably didn't notice though... My mom thinks it’s only because he hasn’t met many bald girls but hey who cares. Even if that is it, it’s a perfectly good example of why I’m thankful cancer happened. I’m memorable!

7. Learning to speak up for myself. No more letter everyone else run the Kayla show. Being able to vocalize what’s important for me is a huge growth on my part. I have realized I have to make myself a priority as well as what is good for  me. “Growing a pair” is a process but it’s happening.

8. Having Trifecta Grill (the number one restaurant up north) throw me a birthday party.  And as if that wasn’t good enough I saw my mom put away 6 gourmet tots that night. The O’Neil family has been such a wonderful addition to my life and still would be even if their perfect restaurants didn’t exist.

9. Appreciating things I took for granted. I never knew how much I loved French fries until I couldn’t have them whenever I wanted. I didn’t think about how much I loved open water until I was told I had to stay out of it. Even my health and feeling good every day, I appreciate the good days so much more than I ever did. I pray that this lesson is one that stays with me and that I always appreciate the things and the people that I love. Being happy is a choice but it is also a gift and it starts with being thankful.

10. Lazy days. I have had the pleasure of finding out why America loves the Kardashian family, the importance of naps, and being ok with a walking as my only productive move of the day. I’ve gotten to color more than I have since grade school and read a variety of books. This goes with learning to slow down, lazy days are something I usually feel pretty guilty about but when they’re forced on you, you have to learn to be ok with them. I don’t think I’ve ever had the pleasure of experiencing the “lazy days of summer” before now.

11. Healthier habits. They also have been forced on me but definitely for the better. I don’t need to have dessert every day, I don’t need to stay up late and fall behind on sleep, and I don’t need to drink every drop of Jager in sight. This has been the kick in the butt I need to grow up and really take care of myself. But don’t think for one minute when all of this is over there won’t be a killer party to celebrate. Because with Christina Klinge in charge of it you know there will be.

12. Walks around Indian Hill’s golf course. With limited energy comes limited exercise. I miss moving at a million miles per hour however I please but there has been something lovely about taking walks. I still get to see and explore, probably more than before actually when you consider the speed I'm moving. Living here with my parents has been huge in so many ways but one of my favorite is the beautiful neighborhood we have to walk around. It’s so peaceful and pretty and since it’s a set path there are plenty of little goal marks to reach on the days when I don’t wanna get out of bed so I can still feel accomplished. My favorite memories this summer have been the walks I’ve taken with friends here, talking about everything and nothing and just being happy to be outside moving in good company. The conversations and time spent walking have been quite special to me.

13. My car. It’s no secret how much I love my car so it might be hard to believe that I am more thankful than ever for it but it’s true. After a week of getting carted around and having everything done for me, it feels SO GOOD the first time I get to drive myself somewhere. The freedom and independence you get from having a vehicle is great. A drive in the mouse is something I always find myself looking forward to being up for.

14. Learning how to wear make up. I went to a “look good, feel better” class because I heard you get a couple hundred dollars worth of free make up while learning how to put it on. I never thought that I would become someone that others ask make up tips from or to do their make up for them but here we are. I am not only a mascara only girl and that’s kind of a fun thing! I was introduced to make up by Robin Robeson, a local make up artist and now a friend for life. She has given me the gift of eyeliner and confidence to feel pretty even when I don’t.

15. Growing closer with my cousin Mandy. Mandy is a few years old than me and we grew up on opposite sides of the country, so growing up I didn’t spend much time with her. Mandy was published in her first medical journal as a senior in high school and is one of those brilliant should be freaks but is actually 100% normal. From early on Mandy said she was going to cure cancer and everyone knows she will. Having her on my team along with her staff at Dana Farber and University of Chicago has given my family full confidence in my doctor’s plans. Knowing I’m getting the best possible care and treatment is something my family and I have found enormous peace in.

16. Impulse control. Through this I have had to learn to plan more and act impulsively less. I have to think through my actions and choices before I make them and consider whether or not they are actually good for me. I miss being careless and making bad decisions but it's been a good lesson in growing up and making better choices/being more responsible. Also to say I don't make bad decisions still would be a lie, they are hopefully just less frequent now. Thinking before acting.

17. Experiencing old favorites like it was the first time all over again. For example, kayaking. No one loves kayaking more than I do so to be told no oceans or lakes was a huge letdown. But with a little rule breaking I kayaked in the pacific a week ago and in Lake Michigan a couple days ago. Water is magic. It seduces you, a "quick kayak" so easily turns into however far I can go before my arms fall off every time. The only things that hurt more than my arms were my cheeks :) I appreciate things I don't get to do often so much more now.

18. Strangers reaching out. I've been able to see how neat people truly are. The encouragement I've received from people I pass on the street about how I'm rocking the bald to friends of friends pulling more than their weight in this fight has kept my head up. I got a picture today from a friend who has a friend leaving for college for the first time. Clipped to her backpack was a little flag with my name on it and the caption was "college bound and fearless". I got out of bed after seeing that and decided today was another day that we win.

19. The Walking Dead. With all this lounge time on my hands I got hooked on a tv show for the first time in a long time. I forgot how fun that is! My dad and I have been watching it together and we are HOOKED. He’s even been slowly walking and moaning around the house trying to bite us. I’m happy I’ve had the time to enjoy something like this.

20. Meeting Ellen. My chemo nurse is an angel. She is funny and kind and I know she really cares about me and my family. I look forward to seeing her on Thursdays and I'm always excited to introduce her to my visitors. Can you stay friends with your nurses? I hope that's allowed, she's had such a big hand in this.

21. Naturespace. Naturespace is an app that was created by the father of one of my students. He recommended it to me to try as a therapy of some kind. It contains tracks of different sounds found in nature and is a great way to escape for awhile. Pretty much any setting you can imagine is on it so wherever you want to disappear to you can. Check it out.

22. Being cared for. Letting others take care of me really puts me outside of my comfort zone but it’s necessary now. There’s been lots of growing happening this summer. I’m learning to ask for help and being able to accept it.

23. Relationships circling back around. Friends I have been out of contact with for whatever reason have had no problem reaching out during this and        are ready to help. I’m so thankful for the boost this has given old or distanced relationships. It’s nice to know how easily people can put things behind them or get past the time since we last saw each other to help out. If you’re reading this and it applies to you THANK YOU! I’M SO HAPPY YOU’RE ACTIVE IN MY LIFE AGAIN.

24. Justin Bieber. He might be a little pipsqueak with a big attitude, but his face is on a blanket that has kept me warm and snuggly every hospital visit. He’s the only face other than mine that has attended every chemo sesh. It’s a conversation piece and usually gets a good laugh out of people who come in my room and I’d rather have laughing than crying there.

25. My shiny head. After years of saying I’ll shave my head if I make the Olympics or hearing from my grandfather as a kid what a good shaped skull I had, I finally got to do it and see for myself. I was warned it would be terrible but it wasn’t too bad actually and now I don’t even notice it or remember I’m bald half the time. I’m thankful to all the people who made life without the fro an easy transition. Here’s to hoping the curls return…