Cancer kinda sucks.
Everything is harder than it was in the beginning and some of it has to do with
external stuff but what’s going on inside of me isn’t helping at all. I’ve been
caught in this pity party for a few days now and I figured the best way to get
out of it was to stop being sad and to start being thankful. Which is harder
than you’d think sometimes when your head is all over the place. You know what
people with cancer think about all of the time? Cancer. There’s so much more to
it than you could ever imagine. So far the only thing curing my body is also
destroying it. That takes a toll on the old emotions. But I don’t want to just
sit around watching life happening during this chapter of my life and I have to
continue to take part in it all. When you’re told you’re suffering from a
disease that can kill you and will impact the rest of your life, you sorta
realize how short and unpredictable life really is. I’m trying to take in all
the lessons that cancer has to offer me. Lessons in growing up, taking care of
myself, letting go of the things that hurt me.. One of the big lessons is
constantly finding the good in the bad, no matter how much you don’t want to.
To be perfectly honest I have no interest in this blog right now, it seems too
hard of a task to tackle. But I know it’s going to be good for me. So I’m going
to do it in chunks. Consider this part one of four of the top 100 list I never
thought I’d make you and you probably never thought you’d read. No matter how small or silly some might seem, I'm thankful for them all.
100 reasons why I’m thankful
I was diagnosed with cancer:
1. My already close family
became even closer. My parents moved back from Arizona and my sister and
brother-in law have been ready with whatever they can to help. I cannot tell
you how much it means to have my parents back here. When I think of all of the
times I’ve cried in their arms or had someone to sleep next to, I feel so
blessed. Feeling cared for is a big source of strength.
2. Meeting and developing a
relationship with the Skinner family. They have opened their house and hearts
to us and have showered my family with a love that will never be forgotten. Honey
is someone who will change your life for the better whether you want her to or
not. I have found forever friends at house #11.
3. The new friends I’ve made
that are associated with all things Wirtz. I don’t know what it is but there’s
something about working there that means you’re also going to be a special
person. Such generous and accepting people that I’m just happy to be around
whenever I am. Especially those Conklin kids!
4. Seeing the strength and
love of so many of my friends and family. The outpour of support has been
amazing and it’s really neat to see how good most people truly are. So many
have been able to drop anything without hesistation to be there for me and I
swear you guys when I am able to again I will do the same for you. You think
you know people really well and then something you both counted on changes and
you find out who they really are. For the most part, I am blown away by what
I’m finding out.
5. Exposure to alternative
treatments. I’ve burned special plants in different corners of my house, I’ve
been poked with needles that aren’t attached to medicine, I’ve learned about
the energy everything on Earth has and how to keep it flowing, I’ve had healing
hands on me.. I’ll try anything to beat this. Learning about the different
beliefs and cultures associate with all kinds of healing has been really
enjoyable. The most important lesson they have taught me though is the art of
slowing down. Being slow and present is something I am learning to be
comfortable with.
6. Connecting with the
Blackhawks. This has been one of the coolest opportunities that having cancer
has brought me. I always thought they boys in red were so far out of reach but
I’ve had the pleasure of interacting with them enough now for Mr. Patrick Sharp
to pick me out of a sea of fans. Patrick Sharp knows I exist now. That made me remember what it was like to be 14 again and have your hunky crush say hi to you in the hallway. My face went bright red I giggled like an idiot. He probably didn't notice though... My mom thinks it’s only because he hasn’t met
many bald girls but hey who cares. Even if that is it, it’s a perfectly good
example of why I’m thankful cancer happened. I’m memorable!
7. Learning to speak up for
myself. No more letter everyone else run the Kayla show. Being able to vocalize
what’s important for me is a huge growth on my part. I have realized I have to
make myself a priority as well as what is good for me. “Growing a pair” is a process but it’s
happening.
8. Having Trifecta Grill (the number one restaurant up north) throw me a birthday party. And as if that wasn’t good enough I saw my
mom put away 6 gourmet tots that night. The O’Neil family has been such a
wonderful addition to my life and still would be even if their perfect
restaurants didn’t exist.
9. Appreciating things I
took for granted. I never knew how much I loved French fries until I couldn’t
have them whenever I wanted. I didn’t think about how much I loved open water
until I was told I had to stay out of it. Even my health and feeling good every
day, I appreciate the good days so much more than I ever did. I pray that this
lesson is one that stays with me and that I always appreciate the things and
the people that I love. Being happy is a choice but it is also a gift and it
starts with being thankful.
10. Lazy days. I have had
the pleasure of finding out why America loves the Kardashian family, the
importance of naps, and being ok with a walking as my only productive move of
the day. I’ve gotten to color more than I have since grade school and read a
variety of books. This goes with learning to slow down, lazy days are something
I usually feel pretty guilty about but when they’re forced on you, you have to
learn to be ok with them. I don’t think I’ve ever had the pleasure of
experiencing the “lazy days of summer” before now.
11. Healthier habits. They
also have been forced on me but definitely for the better. I don’t need to have
dessert every day, I don’t need to stay up late and fall behind on sleep, and I
don’t need to drink every drop of Jager in sight. This has been the kick in the
butt I need to grow up and really take care of myself. But don’t think for one
minute when all of this is over there won’t be a killer party to celebrate.
Because with Christina Klinge in charge of it you know there will be.
12. Walks around Indian
Hill’s golf course. With limited energy comes limited
exercise. I miss moving at a million miles per hour however I please but there
has been something lovely about taking walks. I still get to see and explore,
probably more than before actually when you consider the speed I'm moving. Living here with my parents has been huge in so many
ways but one of my favorite is the beautiful neighborhood we have to walk
around. It’s so peaceful and pretty and since it’s a set path there are plenty
of little goal marks to reach on the days when I don’t wanna get out of bed so
I can still feel accomplished. My favorite memories this summer have been the
walks I’ve taken with friends here, talking about everything and nothing and
just being happy to be outside moving in good company. The conversations and time spent walking have been quite special to me.
13. My car. It’s no secret
how much I love my car so it might be hard to believe that I am more thankful
than ever for it but it’s true. After a week of getting carted around and
having everything done for me, it feels SO GOOD the first time I get to drive
myself somewhere. The freedom and independence you get from having a vehicle is
great. A drive in the mouse is something I always find myself looking forward
to being up for.
14. Learning how to wear
make up. I went to a “look good, feel better” class because I heard you get a
couple hundred dollars worth of free make up while learning how to put it on. I
never thought that I would become someone that others ask make up tips from or
to do their make up for them but here we are. I am not only a mascara only girl
and that’s kind of a fun thing! I was introduced to make up by Robin Robeson, a
local make up artist and now a friend for life. She has given me the gift of
eyeliner and confidence to feel pretty even when I don’t.
15. Growing closer with my
cousin Mandy. Mandy is a few years old than me and we grew up on opposite sides
of the country, so growing up I didn’t spend much time with her. Mandy was
published in her first medical journal as a senior in high school and is one of
those brilliant should be freaks but is actually 100% normal. From early on Mandy
said she was going to cure cancer and everyone knows she will. Having her on my
team along with her staff at Dana Farber and University of Chicago has given my
family full confidence in my doctor’s plans. Knowing I’m getting the best
possible care and treatment is something my family and I have found enormous
peace in.
16. Impulse control. Through this I have had to learn to plan more and act impulsively less. I have to think through my actions and choices before I make them and consider whether or not they are actually good for me. I miss being
17. Experiencing old favorites like it
was the first time all over again. For example, kayaking. No one loves kayaking
more than I do so to be told no oceans or lakes was a huge letdown. But with a
little rule breaking I kayaked in the pacific a week ago and in Lake Michigan a
couple days ago. Water is magic. It seduces you, a "quick kayak" so
easily turns into however far I can go before my arms fall off every time. The
only things that hurt more than my arms were my cheeks :) I appreciate things I
don't get to do often so much more now.
18. Strangers reaching out. I've been
able to see how neat people truly are. The encouragement I've received from
people I pass on the street about how I'm rocking the bald to friends of
friends pulling more than their weight in this fight has kept my head up. I got
a picture today from a friend who has a friend leaving for college for the
first time. Clipped to her backpack was a little flag with my name on it and
the caption was "college bound and fearless". I got out of bed after
seeing that and decided today was another day that we win.
19. The Walking Dead. With all this
lounge time on my hands I got hooked on a tv show for the first time in a long
time. I forgot how fun that is! My dad and I have been watching it together and
we are HOOKED. He’s even been slowly walking and moaning around the house
trying to bite us. I’m happy I’ve had the time to enjoy something like this.
20. Meeting Ellen. My chemo nurse is an
angel. She is funny and kind and I know she really cares about me and my
family. I look forward to seeing her on Thursdays and I'm always excited to
introduce her to my visitors. Can you stay friends with your nurses? I hope
that's allowed, she's had such a big hand in this.
21. Naturespace. Naturespace is an app
that was created by the father of one of my students. He recommended it to me
to try as a therapy of some kind. It contains tracks of different sounds found
in nature and is a great way to escape for awhile. Pretty much any setting you
can imagine is on it so wherever you want to disappear to you can. Check it
out.
22. Being cared for. Letting others take care of me
really puts me outside of my comfort zone but it’s necessary now. There’s been
lots of growing happening this summer. I’m learning to ask for help and being
able to accept it.
23. Relationships circling back around. Friends I have
been out of contact with for whatever reason have had no problem reaching out
during this and are ready to help.
I’m so thankful for the boost this has given old or distanced relationships.
It’s nice to know how easily people can put things behind them or get past the
time since we last saw each other to help out. If you’re reading this and it
applies to you THANK YOU! I’M SO HAPPY YOU’RE ACTIVE IN MY LIFE AGAIN.
24. Justin Bieber. He might be a little pipsqueak with
a big attitude, but his face is on a blanket that has kept me warm and snuggly
every hospital visit. He’s the only face other than mine that has attended
every chemo sesh. It’s a conversation piece and usually gets a good laugh out
of people who come in my room and I’d rather have laughing than crying there.
25. My shiny head. After years of saying I’ll shave my
head if I make the Olympics or hearing from my grandfather as a kid what a good
shaped skull I had, I finally got to do it and see for myself. I was warned it
would be terrible but it wasn’t too bad actually and now I don’t even notice it
or remember I’m bald half the time. I’m thankful to all the people who made
life without the fro an easy transition. Here’s to hoping the curls return…
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