Tuesday, January 14, 2014

All great men do.

Rock mustaches, that is. And I am off to go see one of the greatest, Chicago's best: Coach Q. I won a contest on Instagram (who can resist a bald girl in a prom dress with pink fingers gripping the crap out of THE Cup??) and get to spend the evening with the Hawks, some friends, and the beautiful Joel Quenneville. Luckily for my health, it's also the push I needed to get back to the doctors and continue playing the cancer game (not without sucking it dry of perks, of course). My head is hanging a little low, life outside of the hospital was great!! But it's important to me to somehow get it through my head that I have just a little bit longer to go and then I can put it all… behind me? I doubt it. Maybe just not as high up there as it is right now though. For now, I'm running out of days before radiation begins and will just have to enjoy them the best I can. My technique of plowing through treatment with my eyes closed got me through everything quickly and slightly easier I think and I'm hoping I can do that through the 6 weeks of radiation. The problem with this amazing month out of the hospital has been all the time for reflection I was given. I spent a lot of time in my head and heart, and things that had been hiding surfaced. I didn't know that all these emotions were in there. It scares me a little when I think of how I am just beginning to process my experience and have already shed as many tears as I have! Little fears pop up. I have level emotions and never get too high or too low, but recovery has left me pretty inconsistent emotionally. But it all has to come out sometime I suppose.. I think exhaustion is the worst of it. This process is draining and 9 months can feel like 9 years. Giving up isn't an option but I get why people do. But, we shall continue to fight like hell here. Find smiles and it'll all be a part of the past soon enough!
I'm ready for treatment to end because I am SO READY to spend less time on me. I think spending time alone or with yourself as the main focus can put you in a bad place sometimes. I'm always happier when I am about others. This is what makes me nervous about not working and now spending each day at the hospital. It sounds like a lot of Kayla focus. To fight that, I am starting the exploration on the next phase of my life. After being a part of the cancer world, I cannot imagine ever leaving it. There are so many things I enjoy doing, but nothing has been more precious than the time I spent with the people involved in this community. From the doctors and nurses who played massive roles to the woman who I spent 10 minutes with getting fit for my lymphedema sleeve. Everyone who has walked my path with me has been such a pleasure to spend time with and made this experience more positive. I'm thrilled to seek out a role that fits me. I cannot wait to give back. Just think how different cancer would be if everyone had the love and support and the experience that I have had. It hasn't been all smiles but boy do I hate thinking about what cancer must be like for some others. Thank you to everyone who made my journey the way it has been. I hope I can walk with others on a similar path.
I don't really know why I started this post. I don't have any new news really. Just wanted to say some more thank yous I guess. Feeling like a hurting soldier makes me appreciate the faces and places that have kept me strong all long and I know will keep me smiling.
Today I found strength in a hot mama that was recently diagnosed. I was late to join her fight because of my own.. whatevers.. but now that I know and have the pleasure of getting a peek into her heart and personal experience I feel like I got a boost. There's something about remembering the other people going through a similar experience that makes you wanna keep fighting for them. I have to stay strong for them. We have to do this for each other because it'd been impossible alone. So I just wanna say thank you to all the people who fought before I did, the ones who are fighting with me, and the ones whose fight is to come. May we all be able to stand together and be there to pick each other up when needed. Or at the very least buy a beer for each other. I am so proud of you all and love you all so much. If you know someone else who has fought for their life (you do..), give them a hug for me today and let them know we love them. And thank them. They are keeping the rest of us alive and strong.
Enjoy your Tuesday…

look for this big cheesy during the hawks game tonight!

and watch the kroll show after!!

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