life

today i found myself out in our "garden" (read: little strip of dirt under mailbox)
i was looking for a productive release for my emotions (i've spent the past 4 days crying, getting pumped full of fluids in the hospital, and alone in bed). physical labor seemed appealing. i went out to water the sunflower seeds i planted a few weeks ago and was surprised to see little green leaves popping out of the soil. what did i do when i saw them? the same thing i've been doing all week... i cried.

this time for a different reason though. in a week filled with anything but a feeling of life, there life was. these little green leaves gave me a little feeling of something that has been missing this week-hope.

i've cried non stop since tuesday afternoon. i couldn't eat, i couldn't sleep, i couldn't drink. my heart has never been broken like this before. my chest feels a different kind of pain, this empty, hollow pain, and my bones ache. i haven't sucked it up and plowed through like i normally do and instead just let it all hit me and it's really, really sucked. i know i won't feel like this forever but man do i feel this right now.

but as usual, i'm never good at staying sad long. today i felt a little hope. today i got some pieces to the puzzle that will be creating a family and that made the hurt hurt a little less. that's let me give myself permission to focus on my health for now, this surgery and hopefully unsuccessful search for cancer. all of the next steps depend on the outcome of this step, so the surgery search is what's on my mind for now and what i should be discussing if anything.

again, what would be helpful when i'm ready is the ability to reach out to any ovarian cancer survivors or any women who have had their ovaries removed at a young age. AFTER surgery, i will have to start thinking about the next steps and that is something that would help me make the best decision possible for my long term health. if you know any, please let me know.

what would you do if you knew everything was going to be ok?

life has a way of always continuing and i'm thankful for that. thanks for all of the support and love. feeling more like kayla today and i'm hanging on to that.