Thursday, April 7, 2016

Part 2: ...but sometimes you get exactly what you want!

appropriate reading tunes

You can't always get what you want, but sometimes you do. And we did! Awhile ago with each other and more recently with....

January 2016: Almost a year to the day they found solid masses in my ovaries, which sparked a series of scans, infertility heartbreak, and surgery.. I started experiencing pain in my ovaries, fatigue, withdrawal from usual enjoyment/activities, and feeling "off." I had blown off a pelvic ultrasound the week before in fear of what might be shown. I started to prepare to begin a new treatment which included a pregnancy test. In terms of starting cancer treatment, I failed the test. In terms of beautiful-miracle-magical-life-creation, I passed with a perfect score. The next day the hospital confirmed our miracle to be true, Jeff and I were 4 weeks pregnant.

It came as utter shock.  Stunned. They said it was impossible. They said it could never happen. Two friends sat in the appointment with the fertility specialist and heard the awful words "infertile from treatments" along with whatever explanation and everything else that blurred together. That was the biggest devastation of my life, I didn't eat or drink or sleep for days and grew incredibly weak from a broken heart. But he was wrong! HE WAS WRONG!

Jeff and I talked about the possibility, the blind hope we had that MAYBE it could happen. Maybe we could have the miracle. So if you can call it trying when you're up against the impossible, we tried, always open to starting a family. I wrote to this little miracle for months, about how loved they would be whenever and however they finally came. Maybe it was because I literally could not accept the "truth" but I never lost all hope. I don't even know if the hope was genuine or it was to protect myself from self-destruction, but I remember the sad looks most people gave me when I shared that hope with them. But I clung tighter to my mom's "miracles happen," and one did.

While being pregnant is considered controversial for my health to some, my top-dog doctor at DFCI gave us her blessing. There won't be additional scans or appointments with her, although my ovaries are under close watch from the absolutely insane ultrasounds I've had multiple times already. Holy crap. Never have I ever experienced anything as amazing. I understand why Tom Cruise bought his own machine so he could see his baby whenever he wanted. But the peasant life makes us settle for rewatching videos of the ultrasounds, seeing the little babe wiggle around in my tummy over and over. Never gets old!

We are 12 weeks into this life-long adventure and overjoyed to be sharing it together. I cannot believe I ended up with one of those stories where you get to create a family with your very best friend. The odds always seem to be in my favor. I feel like the luckiest gal (and mama!) in the world. And while I have been shown incredible love from countless people on this planet, I think our little meatball already has me beat!

I'll be sure to share updates but it was really important for me to share this news for a few reasons:

1) I'm exploding at the seams with excitement over it and the only person who has had a harder time containing his joy is my father.

2) I know enough to know I don't know much and can only do so much without a community of support. I love my family, blood or not, and appreciate all the love you guys always shower us in.

3) It has been a very cool experience physically. I feel well-prepared from chemo and have had many, many sick days, but the new connection I have with my body is insane. It has been ages since I felt the way I do now about every inch of it. It's a feeling I've never experienced this strongly. I'm obsessed. And like I said in part 1, Jeff was the person to push me to find this love again. If with him I got to about 85-90% of loving my physical self again, this little miracle has brought me to 100% and then some. All I want to do is pamper and strengthen and care for the ol' bag of bones that has carried me through the last 27 years. It's only fitting that the baby that allowed for this full self-love to happen is created by our love together. I am so thankful for this man. I am so thankful for this child. I am so thankful for our family.

4) The general message of hope. I hope cancer survivors find hope in this miracle. I hope average Joes do too. Our world could always use more stories of hope and miracles. Hang in there and hang on. Sometimes you get exactly what you want :)

Cheers to a summer of sweat and stretch-marks!


  1. I am so happy for you and Jeff! and it brings me great hope and joy to share in your story, your experience and your joy.

  2. Kayla and Jeff -- I am so happy that you are having a miracle baby! I'm sure your miracle baby will be as magnificent as mine! Again, my dear -- kindred spirits! You are going to be great parents.